In & out, help...

For years I have struggled with the relationships (or lack there of) that I have with my parents. Most of the time I feel better when I have no contact. I have very few memories of my father as a child, as I mentioned before, my parents divorced before I was two. It seems he has been coming and going out of my life as long as I can remember.

I have one very early memory of my parents giving me a present (a tricycle) and it was before they were divorced. I don't remember my father leaving my mother and me, but that is probably for the best. The next memory I have of him was when I was around four or so. This was when my mother, her new husband and I went to meet my father and his new wife so that he could sign the adoption papers for my stepfather to adopt me. I remember sitting on his lap while he signed his parental rights away. My next memory was from when I was about eight or nine years old when we met him at a mutual friends house for dinner. He was out of my life again for about nine or ten more years until he showed up at my high school graduation. It was a complete surprise, but according to the adoption papers, he was not legally able to see me until after I turned eighteen. So this was where he came back into my life somewhat regularly.

We tried to make things work, but I am not sure that my dad really thinks of me as his daughter. He has a daughter that is eleven years younger than me. Three Christmases ago, Sophia's first Christmas, he called and wanted to come for a visit. I was fine with that, but was disappointed when he never showed up and did not even call to say he was not coming. I was broken hearted and cried for a few days over this. I did not see him at all that next year and at Christmas time I get a call from him again saying he wanted to come out. The day they were supposed to arrive, something told me that I should call and when I did, my stepmother told me that they were not coming and that my sister was supposed to call and tell me. Well years of pent up aggression came out and I let her have it. I told her that I did not want them calling me again, because I did not deserve to be treated this way. I tried to remain calm, but told her exactly how I felt fighting back tears. It hurt so bad to say the things, not because they came out a bit mean spirited, but because deep down inside I knew that they were true.

I have not heard from them since then, until yesterday. I got an email from my sister. It was in regards to a family reunion to take place in about three weeks. My stepmother wanted my sister to forward the message to me, because she and my father wanted us to attend. I began to wonder what I should do. I got this huge lump in my throat and I forwarded the message to Bob in somewhat of a distress call manner. Bob is usually left to pick up the pieces when something major goes down with my family, so he knows how much these sort of things tear me up.

Then all of these thoughts start to float around in my head. Does my father want to treat me better or is this more of the same bullshit from the past? It hurts that he has never met Sophia and she will be three in September. It hurts that he never calls, even when we are on speaking terms. Did the recent passing of Father's Day make him think about me? I know that no matter what we decide to do, I can not expect anything to change. This also hurts, because inside of me there is this little girl who only wants the love of a father. I don't want much, I just want the occasional phone call letting me know that I am loved, that he is not sorry that I was born.

I know I will be depressed about this for a few days and then feel better. Bob will talk through the situation with me and I will get over it. I just wish that my father either wanted to be in my life for real or just let me go, because this in and out of my life stuff is just more than I can handle at times.

Thanks for listening, I will keep you posted about what I plan to do.

Have a good day!